On these shoulders are mistakes
by TFALokiwriter
Summary: Kirk left Spock. Ever since then, Spock hasn't really been the same. Sequel to 'Simple Feeling' by Neferit.
It had been forty-three years since Spock had made the worst mistake of his life time. Every day felt like torture, well, that was his hell. He hadn't made peace with himself over becoming the best Vulcan there was and losing the one he cared about but left him abandoning Kolinahr all together. Once every decade he went to the Guardian, to remind himself of a life that could have been, to watch just a moment of the life shared by his Jim and another Spock. They were in bliss,aging wonderfully together, and stuck like glue. However, after the forth visit Spock had decided that the next decade he was not going to visit the Guardian.

He was an idiot forty-three years ago.

Spock could concede to that.

"Spock? What the hell are you thinkin' of doin'?" McCoy asked.

"We must not allow the _Enterprise A_ to be overtaken by Klingons." Spock said.

Beat.

"Damn it, Spock, that is what Jim would have done. This isn't logical. There is another way to stop them!" McCoy said.

The Vulcan looked over to the doctor who was older than him.

"Tell me." Spock said.

The doctor frowned.

"I won't like it and neither will you." McCoy said.

"Doctor McCoy." Spock said.

"We must lure them to the Gaurdian of Forever." McCoy said.

The Vulcan stared at the human.

"That is not logical." Spock said.

"We'll lose them that way," McCoy said. "Losing the ship over a bunch of Klingons is illogical and you know that!"

"We have no choice, doctor." Spock said.

"THE HELL WE DO!" McCoy said. "I don't believe in no win scenarios. Stop wallowin' in your pain. You have a crew to think about."

"The _Enterprise_ is forty-eight years old, Doctor McCoy." Spock said.

"She is younger than us. She has taken us everywhere, almost, against the cube shaped starships, the blackholes, the wormholes, goin' through orbits, gettin' shrunk, and goin' through parallel universes temporarily!" McCoy said. "She still has the fight left in her. Scotty's right about that. And people say you are compromised over a loss of a great friend! WE BOTH LOST A GREAT FRIEND, SPOCK! Damn it, you are not alone. Now tell me that your logic is sound and you are not developing a early onset of Bendii's syndrome."

Spock stared at the doctor for a long while.

The _Enterprise_ trembled as the lights had turned to red.

"There is a eighty-three point twenty-three percent chance of working, Doctor McCoy, with this plan in mind." Spock finally said.

McCoy smiled.

"Now that is the captain I know." McCoy said.

"And it is logical." Spock said.

"Don't push your buttons, Mr Spock." McCoy said, with a frown.

* * *

The beam out went rather smoothly. Over the forty-three years, everyone went their separate ways minus Scotty, Spock, and McCoy. They served on different ships briefly only to return once the refit for the _Enterprise_ was completed. People were in the stations their old friends used to sit in. Now they were assigned to different starships in various ranks. Most of them were Commanders and Captains. McCoy was a Commander. Spock was the captain, still, of the _Enterprise_.

"I am the Guardian of Forever," The Guardian said. "I am everywhere, I see everything, and I can take you to wherever you wish."

"Spock, don't you dare go in, ya hear me?" McCoy grabbed the Vulcan by the shoulder.

"Affirmative," Spock said, as the Klingons glared at them.

"Do you wish to see the passing of James T. Kirk and his bondmate in the alternate reality in 2307?"

He could feel a disruptor pinned into his back.

"Negative," Spock said. "I wish to see a universe where the Klingons are a dominant force in the galaxy and Star Fleet has fallen to their empire."

"Jim . . ." McCoy fell to his knees on the ground with a look of loss on his face. "No. . . ."

"James T. Kirk and Spock Kirk lived a long and prosperious life," The Gaurdian said. "I am preparing for the event." The Klingons were pretty silent watching the images flash. "If you wish to return from the trip then you must say it before the image lands. And if you do not intend to return, come in through the portal and live out your lives."

The image came to a stop on a ruined star fleet building.

 _There was Spock, in the image, holding a phaser hiding behind a mount of some kind being a wall. He looked over to see Jim, older as he was, holding a phaser giving him a straight and intent nod. Spock went first firing at the Klingons ahead. The Vulcan stumbled back landing on the ground suffering a disruptor injury to the side of his chest. There were three injuries that left fist sized holes in his torso. Green blood was coming out of the injuries that were fatal. He needed a doctor and there wasn't any. The man fired back at the firing Klingons coming over to the Vulcan's side. This Jim had crystal blue eyes with a set of glasses on his nose. The Vulcan took his shoulder._

 _"Leave me." The other Vulcan said, with plea in his eyes to go on without him._

 _"Negative, Mr Spock," Jim replied. "I am not leaving my Vulcan advasary behind."_

 _There was a look of conviction in the Vulcan's eyes._

 _"Yes, you will," The other Spock said, putting one hand on the side of the man's face. "Forgive me,Jim. Forget."_

 _A look of shock and recognition faded from the pair of eyes to one of confusion. The Vulcan lowered his hand down. The man looked down toward the Vulcan confused, puzzled, then he heard the sound of disruptor fire. Jim departed from the hail of Klingon fire. Suddenly out of no where appeared a large group of Klingons from behind the firing Klingons. Jim fled on foot running from the group leaving behind the other Spock. Sulu came from the corner of a building. The Klingons approached the barely alive Vulcan._

 _"Admiral!" Sulu shouted._

The scene backtracked from the portal out into the original scene where Spock was now on his knees with tears coming down his cheek. The scene vanished before their water teared eyes. McCoy had one hand on the Vulcan's shoulder. To hell, Spock would have probably done that to save the life of Jim even if it would affect their bond, if they had a bond. It was heart breaking to both Spock and McCoy watching their long ceased to live friend, at least a version of him alive, fleeing on foot heading in the direction of Sulu. Jim vanished behind the wall with Sulu.

The Klingons had gone into the portal and left the two.

"I didn't realize you would do that to Jim." McCoy said.

"I did that once," Spock said. "To help him move on. Leonard . . . I miss Jim."

McCoy brought the Vulcan into a hug.

"It is all right,Mr Spock, I am here." McCoy said.

* * *

"You should chose a mate before the sun comes down, captain." First Officer Sterek said.

"Negative, I will not." Spock said.

"Is your previous engagement still affecting you?" Sterek asked.

Spock grabbed the Vulcan by the shoulders then pressed him against the tree bark.

"Don't." Spock said.

"Your previous engagement has been rumored to have been. . . a disaster. You drove him away." Sterek said.

"I did not." Spock said, stepping back.

"You sought out Kolinahr." Sterek said.

"I went through a existential crisis." Spock said.

"And your dear doctor is too ill to join us. Isn't it because he knows his friend is dead? Because of you?"

Spock tossed Sterek to the ground.

"You have NO idea what you are talking about, Commander Sterek," Spock said. "Just because this planet is capable of killing those who have yet to engage into sexual activity with some-one they are married to does not mean I will fall victim to it! That is illogical, and you know that as I do." Sterek turned around wiping off blood from the corner of his lips. "He didn't run because of me. He ran because of his illogical and irrational heart. He did not die in a manner that our landing party members have died in the past few nights. When the Ion storm clears, I will ensure that your recommendation letter will be nothing short of accurate."

"I know what I am talking about, captain." Sterek said, glaring back at the older Vulcan.

"I used to be you, knowing what I believed was right, and nothing is right. What would you have done in my shoes about to connect yourself mentally and emotionally to a human male?" Spock stepped forward with a unusual growl like sound coming from him. "You would have done what I did. You live with regret for the rest of your life. You never get over it. You never forgive yourself. When that happens you don't ever forgive yourself for pushing away what should have been yours. You have no idea what I went through before and after. It was his choice, and his choice alone. At least Captain Kirk is _happy_!"

"Happiness is a human emotion, Captain." Sterek said.

"I am half human." Spock reminded Sterek.

"Right, and yet, you didn't feel comfortable with you human half to bond with him. Fortunately for you, I have already been mated. So I won't die today." Sterek said.

"The chances of my death are slim. I have been in this scenario more times than I can count. I have been doing this since before you were born." Spock said.

The _Enterprise A_ was to be decommissioned. The _Enterprise B_ was going to set out into space next year. This was one of many last explorations Spock would do as captain. Why? Because he had been considering the offer of admiralcy. His counterpart, Spock Prime, was still alive and kicking. However, it was increasingly obvious that he was going to die one of these days with a healer by his side. Spock was also considering becoming Ambassador of Vulcan. Since his counterpart was an Ambassador it was logical that he become one in the years after he served the _Enterprise_.

Spock left Sterek heading into the forest, fuming rage.

* * *

It turns out this planet had bears and other animals that were most commonly found on Earth in the early 20th century. Spock had been attacked out at random by a bear. He had managed to subdue the beast and send it running. The fire he had built was extinguished. He heard Sterek's scream in the night. It gave Spock goosebumps. Pain radiated all over. There was at least eighteen more hours until the ion storm settled. Civilization was just three days away. Now why he is that far from civilization is a long story.

Spock fell into his healing trance focusing on the wounds.

His back was pressed against the grass and his head aimed at the sky.

* * *

"Spock, are you ready?"

It had been forty-three years since that voice was directed at him and him alone. His vision cleared away to reveal young James T. Kirk smiling before him. His bright blue eyes staring right back at Spock. Innocence. Recklessness. Friendly. Kindness. He was in ceremonial attire for the bonding. A bonding that never was. Spock felt a tear come down his cheek staring at the young face smiling back at him. They were in Spock's quarters. They were sitting down on a rug together eyes facing one another. His wounds must have been grave enough to conjure this scene that should have happened.

 _This is illogical._

"Spock?" Jim asked. "Is there something wrong?"

 _This is illogical_.

"Affirmative." Spock turned himself away using the table top as his support feeling a limp in his leg. He could feel his heart beating fast against the side of his chest.

 _This is illogical_.

"What is wrong?" Jim asked, concerned. "Is there something in your chest?"

 _This is illogical_.

"This is not real." Spock said, out loud.

 **THIS IS ILLOGICAL!**

 **THIS IS NOT JIM!**

"Well, what is not real?" Jim asked.

"You, this, this ceremony," Spock said. "It has been forty-three years . . ." He turned in the direction of the young man as he felt older. When in fact he was a old man. "Since I backed out and lost you." He turned his head away in shame. "I am not for you, Jim. I had the duty to inform your surviving family of your departure."

"Spock-"

Spock cut Jim off.

"And I deserved that slap from your mother," Spock said. "Jim . . . I . . . Can't. I can never forgive myself. We cannot commit the bond as you are not real and just a figment of my imagination. I do not know why my mind chose this situation while in my healing trance."

"Spock . . ." Jim said.

"I promised Admiral Pike not to hurt you twice, so, please," Spock took Jim's hand. "I can't go through it. I can never go through it when I know you are dead and it was all my fault." He stood up letting go of the man's hand that felt wet from his own tears. "It seems we were never meant to work out in this timeline as lovers but as . . . friends. Perhaps?" He was keeping himself from breaking apart. He heard the sound of doors open and then close followed by what sounded like sobs. "My other self said our friendship defined us as individuals. . . not as lovers. . . I never told you this, not even through the emphatic bond we had, but you were like a brother to me. A brother I never had."

Spock turned around to see Jim had left.

"And you are still gone." Spock said.

Spock came down to his knees and cried.

* * *

"SPOCK!" It was a familiar voice.

Spock could feel cold, very cold.

"SPOCK, YOU OLD POINTY EARED HOBGOBLIN,WAKE UP!" He felt a slap on his face that stirred him awake partially but his ears became alert hearing the sound of thunder, grass swaying from side to side, and boots moving around. He could smell something from the doctor that generally wasn't the kind he would usually smell from him. It was not Bourbon.

And Spock oddly could feel wet.

"I FOUND THE REMAINS OF COMMANDER STEREK!"

"REMAINS?"

"YES SIR! Five miles away from the captain's location."

"I told Sterek not to push his damn buttons. That is one less Vulcan," The familiar voice grumbled. "Three days out here . . . He is experiencin' hypothermia." He heard the sound of a communicator being flipped out. "Scotty, four to beam up!"

"Aye aye, commander!" Scotty replied.

Scotty loved the _Enterprise_ , any iteration, that had engines he knew inside and out. Including the transporter. Freenser passed away ten years ago in a accident in a shaft. Spock could feel McCoy's hand place itself on his neck feeling a faint pulse. There were days that Spock found himself missing the five glorious and golden years, the historic and legendary, the one where everyone was a family knitted together by Captain James T. Kirk. He could remember the nights they strolled under the night sky in a forest like planet with their two last fingers touching. They were happy together.

"Doctor McCoy-What happened tae the captain?" Scotty sounded horrified.

Spock lost consciousness.

* * *

"Spock, are you ready?"

Spock's eyes opened and he stood up. It was painful to see Jim again, young, prepared, reckless once more, and someone he could not have. Spock was in his commander uniform this time around. His hands were trembling as they had slid out of Jim's small, but somewhat large hands. Spock detracted himself out of the scenario emotionally and put logic ahead of him. Perhaps there is a reason behind this. What he did was unacceptable. He left Jim at the alter, technically speaking, regarding their bond. Their emphatic and psychic bond capable of reaching into marriage. But it never did.

Spock turned away using the table nearby his support lowering his head down.

"You are a figment of my subconscious." Spock said.

Jim raised an eyebrow.

"Why is that?"

Spock briefly closed his eyes.

"Jim is dead. I cannot have him."

Jim lowered his eyebrows.

"Why?"

Spock opened his eyes.

"I just told you."

Spock turned in the direction of the young captain.

"Then why are you dreaming this scene again after forty-three years?"

Painful to stare at a face he broke the heart of forty-three years ago. So much guilt.

"Pain."

Jim tilted his head.

"But you are not in pain."

Spock closed his eyes, and then, he reopened them.

"I am in pain, Jim."

Jim narrowed his eyes in Spock's direction.

"But you are not hurt."

"You must understand, Jim, it only hurts inside for I have lost a brother I cared deeply."

"You don't have a brother."

"I do. . ." He took the man by the shoulder. "Leonard told me I have to face my demons and you are one of them. You are my brother who I betrayed, and for that, I am sorry. I cannot devote myself to someone I have broken the heart of so greatly." He squeezed Jim's shoulders. "I was young. I was still finding myself back then. Leonard was there when you were not. I nearly . . . sacrificed myself for star fleet in 2270 with a ship called voyager to fulfil it's mission. I wanted to die, Jim, gladly I stepped in the way of Commander Decker." His grip became loose. "Somehow, they dragged my carbon copy and katra out of the ship but with a cost. This simple feeling . . . Xon, a Vulcan Science Officer I met back then, he discovered it when I should have long ago. I cannot be yours Jim. I am sorry. . . for everything. But I do not regret our short lived friendship."

"So . . . this is . . . a projection for you to let go." He stared at Spock in understanding. "You are a old man."

Spock nodded.

"I cannot keep the past much longer, old friend." Spock said.

"That means you are ready to forgive yourself?" Jim asked.

"I can never forgive myself for what I did, Jim." Spock said.

"You almost look like Old Spock." Jim said.

"Almost?" Spock raised an eyebrow.

"Your hair has not turned gray, yet." Jim said.

"I can only move on from what I did." Spock said.

"Usually when this happens like a Vulcan, usually it is done for someone who has to make peace with their past. Like a old man reaching the end of his rope." Jim said.

"Vulcans can live up to two hundred years." Spock said.

"You are half human, Spock!" Jim said.

"I realize that. My other self. . . you already know . . ." He sighed going over to the table with the tea. He knew it wasn't real. He dipped some tea into the cup. Vulcan Tea was of some comfort as memories and meditation. "He has . . . Bendii's syndrome." He lowered the tea pot down to the table. "He confused Leonard at one point as his McCoy Prime." Jim was processing this. "Ever since you left. . . I have unexplainably found myself become closer to the doctor."

"You hooked up with BONES?" Jim asked.

"Negative," Spock took a sip from the tea then put it down swallowing the liquid. "We are very close friends." Spock turned in the direction of Jim. "I am surprised he has not taken the rank of captain and refused a promotion."

"Forty-three years and Bones is still in the service!" Jim said, then he had a laugh. "And he is the one who says it will kill him!"

"The _Enterprise_ was given a letter after its secondary refit," Spock said. "Jim. . . Rest in peace." He held up his hand doing the ta'al. "Live long and prosper. . ."

* * *

 **SLAP!**

Spock awoke with a jerk to a white light.

"Good mornin' sunshine!" McCoy said.

Spock inner eyelid shielded his eyes at first from the unexpected brighteness allowing his eyes to adjust.

"Illogical," Spock said. "I am not the sun."

When his eyelids retracted, Spock could see the smile on the older doctor's face.

"You had me worried there yesterday," McCoy said, as the smile faded into a frown. "Don't you dare leave this ship again without a medic."

"It was unneeded." Spock said.

"Unneeded?" McCoy repeated. "Unneeded my ass!"

It was illogical to roll an eye.

"How far are we to Earth?" Spock asked.

"Three weeks," McCoy said. "And on our way back, stop losin' your first officers! They drop like flies!"

The edge of Spock's mouth turned up, and a joyful feeling came into his chest. Then came laughter.

"He has finally lost it." McCoy muttered to himself.

For the first time in fifty years Spock was freely laughing without being possessed by aliens, parasites, and mind controlling telepathic beings. The Vulcan regained his composure then stared at McCoy with his best Vulcan attitude back into play.

"I have not lost it, Doctor McCoy," Spock said. "I have regained my mojo. May I return to my duties?"

"While you were out, I took the liberty to promote someone to first officer and this is NOT a Vulcan!" McCoy said. "You may remember her. She is Alice Neferit. I need to run a few more tests and then I am releasing you." He shook his index finger. "I swear you graduated out from caves into forests." He rubbed the side of his temple. "I have written off Sterek's demise as a accident. Now next time this happens I won't do that. Don't lose this one."

"I will not lose this one." Spock said.

"Give me your word," McCoy said, arms folded. "So I can be certain."

"I give my word." Spock said.

* * *

 **Final captain's log** _:_ _We are prepared to reach Space Dock in exactly fifteen minutes. Star Fleet will tow the Enterprise to the starship graveyard where she will be adrift. Some days I walk in the halls, finding myself greeting people who died fifty years ago. Recalling out of the blue facts that were useful forty years ago. Mr Scott is making a bitter sweet farewell to the engineering room. McCoy is making his farewell to sick bay (christined from med bay to sick bay during our travels). The shuttles have been packed. Most of the crew men prefer to depart the Enterprise the same way we came. I find myself agreeing with them. My final farewell to the Enterprise. I understand how my counterpart must have felt leaving the Enterprise for one last time. End Log._

Neferit stood by the chair.

"Captain on the bridge!" Lieutenant Richard Austen, the navigator, said.

Neferit looked over to see the captain, the Vulcan, come onto the bridge with hands behind his back. She had counted how many days she had lived without dying in the line of duty. He was middle aged according to Vulcan standards. Some had said his shoulders would be heavy when she first saw him but that was not the case three weeks ago. He was the most calm and composed Vulcan she met, asides to being light as a feather. He truly looked at peace with himself. She did not die in their travels. There were plenty of times where she stuck her neck out for the captain and he returned the favor. The doctor had made his daily rounds on the bridge.

"Captain," Neferit said. "We have detected two Romulan starships around planet Earth."

Spock raised an eyebrow then sat into the captain's chair.

"How long have they been there?" Spock asked.

"Past fifteen minutes." Neferit said.

Spock clenched on the arm rest of the chair seeing two familiar starships. Ones that he had been aware that his friends were assigned to. His jaw clenched and his hands let go of the chair then he pressed a button on the arm rest.

"This is your captain speaking," Spock said. "We will engage in a fight with two Romulan starships. For those who are prepared to leave I strongly recommend you depart immediately except for those on the bridge. The bridge personnel will evacuate shortly, as will the engineering personnel. Mr Scott, we are going to need all the power you can give us. Everyone, this is the last mission of the _Enterprise_ and I am pleased to have served on it with you all. I am only unpleased that we lack the right Terran to witness our fine silver lady save one last planet. Spock out."

Spock pressed the button.

"Commander Johnson, inform the Archer and the Kelvin that we will be on our way in five minutes." Spock said.

"Aye aye, captain." John said, turning toward his station and set the message.

* * *

"Spock!" McCoy shouted. "Come on, the ship is going to blow at any minute!"

Spock, had what few belongings he had, packed in another shuttle that had already left. He just had one thing to get. The lights in the hall were red. The doors to his quarters were shut. The older Vulcan tore the open as the ship tilted to the side suffering a blow. Right into the hull. He was determined to get what he had forgotten to pack. He went to the side of his bed then picked up a picture inside a frame of the crew from fifty years ago. He wiped off the fog from the glass masking Jim's face. He would need this, Spock knew, when he would forget Jim's appearance when he gets older and this would be all that would remain of the crew. His family that will die long before he did.

"Spock!" McCoy took the Vulcan by the arm. "Don't make me drag you!"

Spock was towed out of the room by the doctor.

The paneling from above gave out landing on the floor in their way but it went through the floor taking a large portion along with it.

"Shit." McCoy said.

There was a hole in the floor.

"We have to jump over it."

"No!"

"But it is logical."

"We go the other way."

"The other way was destroyed on my way here."

Beat.

"I hate it when you are right."

"Jump. I will be right behind you, Leonard."

McCoy leaped over the hole almost getting sucked into space but he had skidded on the floor then grabbed onto the edge.

"DAMN IT, I KNEW IT WAS A BAD IDEA!" McCoy complained.

Spock looked over his shoulder to see a flare of heat headed his direction so he turned his head away then leaped over the large hole when suddenly there was a blast that struck into the side of the wall. Spock grabbed onto a pipe holding his breath. He held the photograph in one hand. _Logically, my hand is not going to hold on for much longer. I need two hands._ Spock briefly closed his eyes looking down toward the photograph. _It is time to let go of you, Jim._ Spock's hand slowly slipped from the side of the picture frame experiencing a strange sensation traveling down from his head and his eyes water. He let go of the picture.

The picture floated into space with a tear following after it.

Spock turned his head away then grabbed his hand onto the other side of the pipe and flipped himself up onto the floor where he landed on the wall across that acted as the floor. Spock ran to the corner of the hall, "Leonard, let go of the corner, I will catch you." McCoy glared at the Vulcan making a comment about "Oh? Last time you said that I landed in a poisonous bush." But he let go anyway. The Vulcan caught the human into his arms where they were sent falling down the hall. Spock's back hit the door. The Vulcan and the human got up on their respective feet. They saw the shuttle bay just ahead.

The two sped for the shuttle bay hearing the sound of flames from across to their left. The men went into the last escape shuttle that had Scotty at the helm and Michelle Organson at the navigator station. Spock closed the door behind them. He sat down into the middle chair. McCoy sat into a chair and buckled himself in.

"We got everyone!" Scotty said.

The shuttle turned around then flew through the shuttle bay and out of the forcefield. There we can see outside that the _Enterprise_ had crashed into the second Romulan Starship that was blindly shooting at the first Romulan starship. The two starships were firing at the first Romulan ship taking care of the starship that had been attacked previous by the Enterprise A. The second Romulan starship exploded sending out scrap metal and all kinds of material in all directions. Spock watched the saucer section to the _Enterprise_ peel away riveting him with great feelings. Spock felt a hand take his.

Spock looked over to see that it was McCoy.

"Thank you," Spock squeezed McCoy's hand. "For being my friend."

"I have, and always will be, your friend," McCoy said. "Haven't you realized that all ready?"

The first Romulan starship was disabled and there it exploded shortly afterwards.

"Not after what I did?" Spock asked.

"You were still learnin' who you were,Spock," McCoy said. "Friends forgive and forget."

"I miss her all ready." Scotty said.

"At least you get to do somethin' important." McCoy said.

"Head of Engineerin' corps," Scotty said. "That will be a dozey."

"And you?" Spock asked.

McCoy grinned.

"I will be captainin' a medical starship." McCoy said.

Spock's lip's upturned into a smile.

"I made my decision." Spock said.

"What is that?" McCoy's face turned into a puzzled one.

"I have accepted the Ambassador offer," Spock said. "Selek does not have long to live."

"Poor Vulcan," Scotty said. "Where to next, capta-Ambassador?"

Spock turned his head in the direction of space.

"Mr Scott, set course . . ." Spock paused. "Set course for home."

 **The End**.


End file.
